I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
