you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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