Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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