youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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