Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
