I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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