You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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