What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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