if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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