I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
