They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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