Already got asked if we're dating
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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