Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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