i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
