I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
