so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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