i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
