the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have feelings that need drinking.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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