just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
