I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
