i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
