Only a mothe r could love this liver
You smell like stripper and shame
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
