She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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