I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
