I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
