how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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