I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
