i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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