I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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