I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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