You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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