My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
