I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
