I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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