I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
