I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just had sex bonerless
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
