It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
