Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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