i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
