How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
