Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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