Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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