I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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