I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
