Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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