Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
