sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
