he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
