sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Your cock deserves a montage
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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