they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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