remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
