she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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