at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
