I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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