After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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