I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
