look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
