You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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