If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
