she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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