an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
