if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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